Satan on Hygiene

From the website The Brunching Shuttlecocks– August, 2000

Satan on Hygeine

by David Neilsen

Hi, I’m Satan, and I’d like to talk to you about proper hygiene.

Kids, I know it may sometimes be a drag when your folks tell you to take a bath, but believe me, you need to bathe regularly, or you’ll go to Hell.

Me, I like to bathe two or three times a day in the blood of the damned. I can relax after a busy day, scrub my festering wounds with the souls of the tormented, and watch the torture of some poor sod who, more often than not, is suffering in my domain due to a clerical error.

Yes, a good bath in the morning will refresh you and prepare you for the day ahead.

And while we’re preparing, let’s not forget to brush our teeth regularly. Trust me, not brushing can lead to cavities, an ugly smile, and eternal damnation in Hell. Your teeth do a lot of work for you, so it’s only fair that you do something for them. And treasure them while you can, because there’s no teeth in Hell.

Oh sure there’s all kinds of tough, chewy meat to eat, but no teeth, so everyone has to gum their food until their mouths are filled with blood and pus.

So take care of your teeth.

Now let’s talk about mouthwash. No one likes bad breath. It’s smelly, it’s disgusting, and yes, it will send you straight to Hell.

I have horrible breath, and I like those around me to know this, constantly. So I tend to breathe upon my doomed flock all day long, flames shooting out of my mouth and turning any and all in my path into a crispy, charred mass.

But you can avoid this with a simple mouthful of Scope.

In short, take care of yourselves kids. Because if you don’t, you’ll go to Hell.

I’m Satan, see ya later!