From the Website The Brunching Shuttlecocks– August, 2000
Satan on Dining Etiquette
By David Neilsen
Hi, I’m Satan, and I’d like to talk to you about proper dining etiquette.
Kids, ever been to a fancy dinner with your parents and been just amazed at all the funny things on the table? So many forks! So many spoons! Who’s supposed to eat what and when?
Well pay attention, because it’s important for you to learn proper dining etiquette. Without it, you seem rude, boorish, and you’re doomed to an eternal afterlife of misery in the pits of Hell.
Let’s deal with all those pesky utensils.
At a proper formal dinner, there are nine utensils. And each one needs to be used correctly to avoid shame, ridicule, and eternal damnation. Of course, when I’m snacking on the suffering of millions I don’t even use utensils, I merely suck the life energy from your quivering corpse.
However, on Earth, you’re not so lucky.
Here’s a basic rule that should be able to get you through anything. Start on the outside and work your way in. Sort of like a maggot feasting on your rotting flesh right before your eyes then snuggling its way to your internal organs.
The first course is usually soup. And so the first thing you’ll need to use is the soup spoon, located on your far left. Remember, sip, don’t slurp. Slurping can create unwanted noise, and you’ll go to Hell.
The next course is often fish, and the far right fork and first knife are for this special course. But if you’re not having fish, then they won’t be there. Simple, yes?
Next comes the Dinner fork and knife followed by the salad fork and knife. That’s right kids. Salad is after dinner. Of course, in Hell, salad is dinner — and it’s never fresh!
Above the plate will see a coffee spoon and a dessert fork. If you don’t drink coffee, just wait. You will. Only after all your work is done, are you then allowed to enjoy a respite of dessert. Except in Hell, where the final fork is used to gouge your eyes out.
Remember, kids, proper dining etiquette is what separates the cultured from the crass. Those that don’t know their way around a table are second-class citizens, and are damned to Hell.