Dear Rupert

From the Website The Brunching Shuttlecocks– September 1998

Dear Rupert

By David Neilsen

Dear Rupert,

I know you’re very busy with you Cuneiform Translations, but if you could take but a moment of your time to peruse this letter, as it contains important issues.

You know the Pueblo bowls Dr. Solomon discovered on the high mesa? I’m not convinced of their authenticity. He claims the bowls carbon date back to 11,000 BC. However, wasn’t this entire valley under the Colorado River at that time? Does he think we’re dealing with a race of primitive mermaids? Also, after Solomon’s find, the next evidence of habitation in the area occurs at about 1,000 BC. So what happened to the people? Did pottery go out of style for 10,000 years?

I think Solomon’s a fake. And I’m not alone. Have you actually seen him work? I don’t think he went to Harvard. I think he got his training watching Indiana Jones! For example, yesterday he was on the far hill digging through what he thought was an ancient trash heap. But that trash heap was created by last year’s expedition! A fact which any self-respecting archaeologist would have discovered after the first empty bag of Doritos.

I know what you’re thinking. Why? Why would Solomon fake a find of this magnitude? I have a thought. At first I assumed it was an attempt at winning the prestigious Holtzman-Gluberman-Wolfe Honorarium. But after watching him closely these last few days, I’ve come to the realization that’s he’s doing it to get chicks.

I’ve said enough. I’ve talked with others, and we may be staging a coup. If you decide to join us, signify your solidarity by placing your magnetometer to the left of your tent flap. In the morning, while Solomon’s bowsing the middens of site 23J, we’re meeting behind the Port-a-Potties, planning our action.

That Banana Republic-wearing imposter is going down!

Solidarity,
Walter Pithard III