From the Website The Brunching Shuttlecocks– May 2000
The All-Time Greatest Movie Songs
By David Neilsen
Recently, Sony Music released an album entitled “The All Time Greatest Movie Songs.” Let’s take a look, shall we?
Track 1: Celine Dion “My Heart Will Go On” (Titanic)
OK. This song is horrible. You hate it, your mother hates it, your father hates it, your dentist hates it. But it was number one for 2700 weeks or something like that, and it won an Oscar. Taste aside, this song was huge, although no one over the age of 13 will admit to liking it. But does that make it one of the All Time Greatest Movie Songs? No.
Track 2: Will Smith “Men In Black” (Men In Black)
I like this song. I like Will Smith. I like Chocolate Malt Balls. It is truly a song written for a movie (the telltale sign is when the song is named after the movie, that’s rarely coincidence.) I’ll let this one slide.
Track 3: Refugee Camp All-Stars Featuring Lauryn Hill “The Sweetest Thing” (Love Jones)
The Refugee who? Love what? Are we supposed to accept that it’s one of the All Time Greatest Movie Songs simply because it “features” a recent Grammy Winner? Is this another example of The Man trying to pull the wool over our eyes? Be strong, ignore this song!!!!
Track 4: Diana King “I Say A Little Prayer” (My Best Friend’s Wedding)
Just because a movie is a hit, doesn’t mean the song deserves to be. Sure it’s a catchy ditty, but damn it, so was The Macarena!
Track 5: Bruce Springsteen “Streets of Philadelphia” (Philadelphia)
Not the worst song ever made, but many people think it wasn’t even the best song from the movie, (Lots of folk liked Neil Young’s song better.) Still, it was a hit, it won an Oscar, yada yada. Whatever.
Track 6: Sophie B. Hawkins “As I Lay Me Down” (Now And Then)
All I really care about this one is that it’s from the chick who sang “Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover.” I love any song with punctuation in the title.
Track 7: Michael Bolton “Go The Distance” (Hercules)
A song from Hercules is one of the All Time Greatest? Gimmie a break, Hercules was one of the few recent Disney flicks that DIDN’T win an Oscar.
Track 8: Gloria Estefan “Heaven’s What I Feel” (Dance With Me)
This sounds like every other Gloria Estefan song. So I guess what they’re saying is, we love Gloria, and she actually wrote this for a movie, so yeah for her! Gag me.
Track 9: Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle “A Whole New World” (Aladdin)
This song always made me think of sex. Listen to the words again. Decide for yourself.
Track 10: Kenny Loggins “For The First Time” (One Fine Day)
Go ahead. I dare you to hum it. You can’t, can you? You have no idea how it goes, do you? Nuff said. Keep in mind this is Kenny Loggins. The guy who wrote Footloose. Which is not on this list.
Track 11: Marc Anthony and Tina Arena “I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You” (The Mask Of Zorro)
The title’s too long.
Track 12: Barbra Streisand and Bryan Adams “I Finally Found Someone” (The Mirror Has Two Faces)
Bryan Adams and Barbra Streisand? I just don’t get it. I just don’t get it. If you get it, please let me know.
Track 13: Billy Joel “Modern Woman” (Ruthless People)
OK. Billy Joel has one of the All Time Greatest Movie Songs. Modern Woman. One of his best. Sure thing. Boy, they’re reaching aren’t they?
Track 14: Babyface “You Were There” (Simon Birch)
I’m pretty sure that no All Time Greatest Movie Song can come from a movie called Simon Birch.
Track 15: Michael Jackson “Will You Be There” (Free Willy)
I just don’t think Michael Jackson should have been allowed to do anything for a movie called “Free Willy.”
Track 16: Des’Ree “I’m Kissing You” (William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet)
Quick, name a song from Romeo & Juliet. OK, name another one. OK, one more. You still haven’t named this song, have you? I rest my case.
Track 17: Luther Vandross “Heart Of A Hero” (Hero)
Oh yeah! I remember how we used to just put this one on repeat and party for hours!!!!!
So. The All Time Greatest Movie Songs. You’re just aching to run out and buy it, aren’t you? I thought as much.